Apokalypse Software Corp.

Dear Sleazeball Politicians, We’re Taking Back Control of OUR Country, Like We’ve Been Taking Control of Our Spaces

14 03 2008

For years, you and your mealy-mouthed predecessors have promised to make things work, and make things better. And for years you’ve complained that whenever you tried to fix things somebody else threw up roadblocks. “It’s the President’s fault.”, “It’s Congress’ fault.”, or “It’s the lobbyists’ fault.” And if only you had more time, and more of our money, you’d be able to fix things. But the only thing you manage to do is spend more time and spend more money and things don’t get fixed.

But now, we’ve discovered this thing called the Internet (it’s a series of tubes), and while it’s been fun to share our home videos and prank one another, we’ve also gotten to talking with our fellow Americans. And something that keeps coming up in our conversations is that our country’s in very bad shape, and you’re not doing your job.

You had the budget thing tolerable for a while, but then you went and spent us back into a deficit. Then the terrorists attacked and things were really bad. But we supported you when you said we had to fight the Taliban in Afghanistan to get Osama bin Laden, but it’s been nearly eight years. For all the money you spent, why don’t you have bin Laden?

Then you insisted that we had to go to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein had WMDs, but he didn’t actually have WMDs. And he went into hiding, and you found him hiding in a hole, this guy who didn’t have anything. You found him hiding in a hole, but you haven’t found bin Laden, the terrorist who funded attacks in America.

And it’s interesting that you aren’t willing send your own kids to fight this war that was so important to you. This war to protect U.S. interests, you said. The rest of us have lost loved ones and real Americans in our cities and hometowns, folks who give our small communities meaning and a sense of honor. You’ve given us draped coffins and broken men and women, some missing limbs, some missing their former souls, but you haven’t given us your own sons and daughters, nor have you given us bin Laden.

This “important” war has taken longer to finish then the Second World War, in which we fought Nazi Germany and Italy across the Atlantic, and Imperialist Japan across the Pacific. We fought three countries. Countries that had real, dedicated armies. At the same time. From an economic depression. And We won. But that’s because you weren’t in charge back then, because you can’t even beat the leftover enemies of one country that has little more than sand, and we’re paying for you to use fancy (and expensive, I might add) planes, tanks, bombs and satellites which you like to blow up. And yet you still haven’t found bin Laden.

And now our economy’s again in the toilet because folks don’t want our money. You give Canadians the right to buy normal, tasty thin American bacon instead of that round stuff they had to eat because their dollar was worth less, but you don’t give us bin Laden!

You give us airport security that hassles and harasses us, but doesn’t stop weapons from being smuggled onboard planes. You give us illegal aliens crossing our borders. You give us banks that overcharge us on fees and interest rates. You give us homes that are worth less. You give us $100/bbl oil, and $3 gas. You give us colors that tell us our phone calls can be tapped, and that we can’t take pictures of buildings because Americans are up to no good. But you still haven’t given us bin Laden.

Some of us made lists of things that we weren’t happy with, of how you haven’t been doing your job like you’re supposed to, and how you’re not helping anyone but yourselves and your friends. And we don’t like that at all. At first, some of us thought we just might be unusual, crackpots on the fringe of society. But the more we started having our own chats with others across this country, the more we realized we are not alone; that many others are fed up with the nonesense you’ve been pulling. And some started reminding us that when the Constitution talks about who the bosses are in this country, “We the people” are the ones it’s talking about.

And we’re taking charge again, as you can see.

So the 30% of us who remembered we are the bosses are getting together with the 70% of those who forgot, or felt their votes don’t count. And we’re also coordinating a united action: come November, we’re handing you your walking papers. We won’t be coughing. We won’t be throwing sweaters. We won’t be heckling you. Come November, you’re fired.

The Citizens (and real bosses) of The U.S.A